Phantoms Fly Free

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It’s not hard to vacation when you’re dead. In fact it's arguable that death itself is a vacation; you don’t have any earthly responsibilities anymore, so just put up your feet and relax until Earth is decimated by a robot take-over or the inevitable heat-death of the universe. What's the best way to enjoy your everlasting leisure time? By travelling of course!

Customs is a breeze when you’re invisible (literally, most people will think you're a cool breeze) and stowing away on an airplane can be as comfortable as sharing a seat with a first-class fleshie. Choosing a destination, now that’s the hard part. Sure, you could go to Hawaii, drift across the beach, inhale the savoury-sweet vapor of a luau, but without other folks to chat with it can get a little lonely. The eager-to-please hotel staff can only serve you if they can see you, and really, who wants to spend all their energy taking on a physical form? You’re here to relax, ghoulfriend.

Still, there is some fun to be had haunting hotels.

So where can you go for an RIP-roaring good time? Easy! Any place with intense paranormal activity will provide you not only with interesting company, but a thorough history of the estate. Who knows more about the horrors of a medieval dungeon than its tortured inhabitants? A dearly departed maid can tell you far more intimate details about the goings-on of a haunted mansion than some snippy English-major with a black cloak and an armful of brochures.

Take the Winchester Mystery House for example, located in sunny San Jose, California. When William Winchester of Winchester Rifles passed away he left his aggrieving widow and an enormous sum of money. Sarah Winchester became convinced that the Winchester Mansion was haunted by victims of her husband’s rifles. Her paranoia was fed by a psychic known as the Boston Medium, who told her that she must continuously renovate the house in order to confuse the spirits who sought her. Sara set contractors to work the new additions; they built rooms linked with false staircases and hallways that lead nowhere. Until her dying day, Sarah Winchester feared unearthly visitors but it’s rumoured that she’s a brilliant entertainer post-mortem! Prepare yourself for the most intense game of hide-and-go-seek ever, with 160 rooms, 47 fireplaces, 13 bathrooms, and 6 kitchens!

Charmaine Gratton

Charmaine Gratton is a writer, student and retail associate. She currently resides in Ottawa with her husband and two dogs, Disco and Frisket. She’s an amateur ukulele player, a rabid hair enthusiast, and a fan of all things spooky.

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HELL-o, Dolly

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I love looking at "haunted" stuff that people sell on eBay. It's amazing the kind of stories people will come up with to sell this shit. I can’t help but hope at least a few of them are real. I’ve noticed that a strong trend is developing: If we’re pretending for a moment that the sellers at least think they have a genuine article, it’s fair to say that people are really afraid of dolls. I mean it though, at least 80 percent of the ads are for a doll that's supposedly haunted or possessed. I can understand porcelain dolls, because they have dead faces and pure evil in their eyes, but come on, this guy?? And I mean why not drop $150 on a “HAUNTED VINTAGE DOLL HOUSING THE SPIRIT OF BEAUTIFUL SHE-DEVIL” She sounds like she’d be fun at parties. Speaking of fun at parties, Marie Antoinette was gifted with this harpsichord-playing hell-bot. Look into its animatronic eyes and tell me that it isn't inhabited by a vengeful 17th-century spirit. But I digress.

 

Reality starts to sink in. Do these people actually believe that these dolls are haunted or are they preying on the weak-minded and naive? After all, how can you trust that you are purchasing the spectre in its true form? Who's to say it doesn't jump from the doll into say, a lamp, a la Amityville Horror 4 ? What if you go to ship the package and poof, the spirit decides it would rather cross over to the other side than go through customs? Maybe it takes up residence in a mailbox and feeds on the fingers of unwary strangers.

 I've always dreamed of opening a “haunted shop,” mostly because I’d like to buy some of this stuff, but being superstitious, I’d rather not keep it at my place. I've encountered some pretty inexplicable phenomena, and being an avid fan of the paranormal means I’ll always hold onto the hope that the genuine article exists within the grasp of my credit card. 

 

Charmaine Gratton

Charmaine Gratton is a writer, student and retail associate. She currently resides in Ottawa with her husband and two dogs, Disco and Frisket. She’s an amateur ukulele player, a rabid hair enthusiast, and a fan of all things spooky.

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Upping Your Poltergeist Game

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So you've decided to become a poltergeist. All your life you told people, “When I die, I’m going to haunt all of you.”  Well here you are, and you’ve made an excellent choice, my friend. Ghosts are shunned by the scientific community, so it’s a poltergeist’s job to stir things up, give ‘em a taste of the unknown. Here’s a few helpful tips and tricks for the modern phantom.

 

Unsettling things to whisper in someone’s ear while they sleep

Nowadays, the living aren't scared of monsters or skeletons. You need to get creative. People are more afraid of losing their minds, so instead of shouting in their ear or yanking their leg the moment they fall asleep, try some of these creepy catchphrases instead:

 “They’re watching you dream.”

 “Remember that thing you repressed from grade school?”

“How did Inception end?”

“Did you leave the straightener (coffee pot, stove) on?”

“How private is your browser history?”

You get the picture. Tailor your approach to the anxieties of your victim and watch them ruminate away hours of precious sleep. Ugh, remember sleep though? Sleep was so awesome.

Mess with their stuff

Did you ever wonder what happened to all those missing socks? The remote that was just there a second ago? Or what about the hundreds of bobby pins that mysteriously disappear every year? Poltergeists. Poltergeists do that.

See, the trick is to start with small things at first, just irritate them a little bit. Start with taking the cap off the toothpaste or hiding a few rolls of toilet paper. This is a way of warming them up, planting the seed of suspicion in their minds. Then, you move to things of more vital importance.

If they leave their phone unattended for an extended time, change their Facebook language to Icelandic, and include a hilarious keyboard shortcut for the words “and” “the” “hey” and “it”. Maybe take their voice memos and set them as their text tone, then crank the volume settings up.  At the very least, they’ll think they have some sort of virus (good) or start to suspect their friends of foul play (better). Poltergeists can travel easily through electrical currents, so this sort of technological intrusion can be applied to other devices as well, such as tablets, laptops, and the little chip that the government implants at birth.

Well that’s it for now, paranormal pals! Check back soon for another glimpse into The Beyond!

                                                                                    

Charmaine Gratton

Charmaine Gratton is a writer, student and retail associate. She currently resides in Ottawa with her husband and two dogs, Disco and Frisket. She’s an amateur ukulele player, a rabid hair enthusiast, and a fan of all things spooky.

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Cornering baby: How to possess a fresh body

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Have you been wandering the realm of the living for years, but don’t quite feel like crossing over to the other side? Are you lamenting that you’ll never enjoy the luxuries of the modern world?  What’s the big deal with pumpkin spice?  If you long for a body like a fleshy safety blanket, you are in luck. If you’re looking for a second chance in life, a way to make up for your failures and missed opportunities, it’s time for children.

The first task is to find some fertile fleshies. You're especially lucky if your haunt is inhabited by a young couple, or an older couple with promiscuous teenagers. Remember, you will have to put up with your “parents” for the duration of your formative years, so choose wisely. Look out for signs of a poor family environment: unsafe living conditions; spousal abuse; an excessive number of  cats;  or unusual furniture. Of course, you could just get rid of them if that suits you better. With police distracted by the War on Drugs it’s pretty easy for babies to get away with murder nowadays, and it’s not hard to get adopted while you’re still pink and pudgy.

Once you find an expectant mother, make sure she’s eating well, taking plenty of folic acid, and avoiding contact with illicit substances. Imagine how frustrating it would be to wait nine months just to find out that your new vessel has been damaged by mom’s boxed wine addiction. Remember that you will soon be able to bend your “parents” to your whim, but before you are able to communicate effectively, be prepared to suffer through a few hundred hours of Raffi songs. Starts to make the great unknown seem a little more inviting, huh?

When the big moment arrives, get ready. Transition occurs most easily at the moment of birth, before the new soul has a chance to attach itself. It may be tempting to leap into your new form when the baby begins to crown, but it’s best to wait until it’s been fully removed. Once you’re in, the process is complete. Stretch your little baby limbs and prepare to be waited on for the next 18 years. Congratulations, it's a ghoul! 

Charmaine Gratton

Charmaine Gratton is a writer, student and retail associate. She currently resides in Ottawa with her husband and two dogs, Disco and Frisket. She’s an amateur ukulele player, a rabid hair enthusiast, and a fan of all things spooky.

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