I have to be honest ladies and gentlemen, I have never met anyone in my life who is good at Monopoly. Now I may seem like a smug asshole, but I assure you: since the day I have started my Monopoly career, everyone who I have ever played is garbage. Now I know what you’re thinking and no, I didn’t win every game when I was little, but that’s because my young mind wasn’t the war strategist it is today. Let me break it down for you. Monopoly is a game of luck and intelligence. It is very much like poker, and before you say I’m being too analytic, you shut your mouth Deborah, I’m the Monopoly genius here. I don’t care what kind of house rules you play with, it’s all the same.

First thing you do is when you go around the board for the first time… now listen because I’m not repeating this again… buy every god damn property you can. What kind of idiot hoards their money instead of buying property in a game that’s all about owning real-estate? You’re just saving that money for when you land on my property that you declined to buy for some damn reason, you’re using it to pay me. Yeah you’re spending a lot of money for properties that you only get 12 dollars rent for, but that rent is going to pile up eventually.

Getting lots of properties means that everyone else has a more given chance of landing on your places than their own. Most of all, having as many properties will exclude other players from getting 3 of a kind, putting motels on said properties and then screwing your day. You want to get those 3 of a kind for yourself, which opens up a whole other can of worms that people screw up; trading. This is the one thing that someone else can do to ruin your game because of their own stupidity. Have you ever heard “Sure I’ll trade you the cards you need to make 3 of a kind because I like the red ones!” These people kill me. There is no strategy behind this thought and it’s infuriating. Don’t trade your cards unless it absolutely benefits you. Other than that, hold your cards like your life depends on it because you’d only be helping your opponents. You see? It really doesn’t take that much to be good at this game as old as time itself. Now buck up and give me some.

Sterling Guilherme is a video game journalist who is a lover of JRPG’s, strategy games, and high fantasy RPG’s. Careful if you’re playing any kind of board-game with him, as he gets incredibly competitive. His favorite board games are Catan and Risk. He’s probably somewhere right now, day-dreaming of a good meal and a stiff drink.