The Bloody Truth About Vampires
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Nosferatu (1922)
Everybody knows about vampires. Whether you’ve read Dracula, shamefully indulged in the Twilight series, or even enjoyed a bowl of Count Chocula, you’ve seen these creatures at some point in your life. They’re one of the more well-known fantasy beings. I mean, I probably couldn’t tell you what a siren is or the difference between trolls and ogres, but cute ominous guys with sharp teeth? Girl...i’ve got you covered.
It’s safe to say that vampires are easily the most romanticized fantasy creatures. I’m not too sure anyone is daydreaming about flirting it up with a troll or a cyclops.
Over the years our perception of what a vampire looks like has become distorted, which is why we’ll be taking the time to compare old and new vampires. We’re also going to be briefly checking out their origin as well as going over some of the ways that we can protect ourselves. You know, just in case.
Aside from being notoriously bad at driving (because they never check their mirrors. Get it?), modern vampires really aren’t that bad. Sure, they might be a pain in the neck sometimes, but really these vampires are nothing more than six-foot mosquitoes with nice hair and six-packs. That being said, I think we can all agree that vampires weren’t always this undaunting.
Once upon a time vampires were these menacing creatures that tore apart their victims. But pop culture changed the game. Vampires quickly went from these bald pointy-eared creatures with terrifying fangs, long cloaks, and sickly grey skin to hot flirty guys that sometimes sparkle. Not that I’m one to complain, though. I didn’t exactly binge-watch Vampire Diaries for the plot. There are so many theories as to why they became so soft as time went on. Some say it’s because romance sells and this was a ploy for authors to stay relevant. Granted, there are still outliers. Movies like I am Legend stray from the norm, depicting vampires in the same horrifying light they used to. Admittedly, there’s something refreshing about that.
While vampires might be a fun idea to entertain, for some this was once a harsh reality. Hundreds of years ago people genuinely believed that vampires lived among them. For a long time, there was so little known about the dead and the process of decomposition that what was really the natural breakdown of the body was misconstrued to be evidence that the undead had been feasting on the living. The shrinking of the skin as the body aged made the teeth seem so much larger and fang-like, and fluid from the breaking down of organs caused a blood-like substance to leak from the mouth of the corpse. Because of this, for a long time, people had convinced themselves that what was really the spread of deadly disease was actually vampires wreaking havoc in their villages. Since then so much has changed. We have a better understanding of the human body and have thankfully come to the conclusion that vampires just aren’t real.
That being said, we’re better off safe than sorry. If you ever find yourself face to face with a vampire, refer to these weaknesses for help. Firstly, vampires have an incredibly strong sense of smell. Anything smelly like garlic, onions, or your ex’s cologne are all great deterrents. Depending on what kind of vampire you encounter, sunlight, silver, holy water, or fire usually work too. If all else fails, a stake to the heart or decapitation are definitely things to consider.
Now, with your newfound knowledge of old and new vampires, their origins, and how you can ward them off, remember to stay safe out there and to never trust a bloodsucker, no matter how pretty they might be.
Also, don’t forget to check out more fang-tastic vampire jokes here!
Madison Costeira
Maddy is a professional writing student at Algonquin College and an aspiring writer. She’s a certified procrastinator, overthinker, and owner of a depressing amount of cats (remember: two’s a party, three’s a crowd).
