Rabies-Infested Man Holds The Cure For "Bieber Fever"

Berkeley, CA—After years of enduring screeching and deranged Justin Bieber fans, scientists have claimed that the cure for “Bieber Fever” has been discovered. The story behind this breakthrough, though nothing short of miraculous, has stunned the nation.

“This is an amazing discovery,” explained Lydia Zaitsev, a research lab technician at the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory in California. “I was at the local theatre with my husband and our ten-year-old daughter, and we had just finished watching the new Justin Bieber movie. As we headed towards our car, a crazed man ran towards us, shouted some expletives and spat at my daughter. He was foaming from the mouth like a rabid animal, and despite my husband’s effort to subdue the strange man, he spat at numerous passersby, most of whom happened to be young girls.”

  Pre-pubescent fans attempting to drag Justin off the stage to alleviate their ‘Bieber Fever’ symptoms. Many shoulders were dislocated in the process. 

Pre-pubescent fans attempting to drag Justin off the stage to alleviate their ‘Bieber Fever’ symptoms. Many shoulders were dislocated in the process. 

Zaitsev, whose daughter was an avid Justin Bieber fan, claimed that shortly after the strange encounter, her daughter no longer expressed any interest or adoration for him. “She was indifferent to his music and his androgynous looks,” said Zaitsev. “She didn’t think he was ‘swagalicious’ anymore, and that’s what got me thinking: what if that man—or rather, his spit—had something to do with her drastic change?”

After a successful sweep of the city, Zaitsev and her colleagues found the strange man. They brought him to the laboratory, taking samples of his saliva and probing into details of his life. “He told us that his name was John Doe, and that he ran away from home when his was 12 years old because he wanted to ‘be one with the squirrels,’” explained David Astor, a research lab technician and Zaitsev’s assistant. “Not only has his prolonged exposure to forest critters given him rabies, but he somehow found access to pounds of Methamphetamine hydrochloride and synthetic cathinones—meth and bath salts. By examining the properties of his spit, we noticed that the combination of rabies, meth and bath salts contained regenerative properties that could reverse and stabilize the effects of those afflicted with ‘Bieber Fever.’”

Although it has only been a couple of days, this scientific breakthrough has been deemed Nobel Prize-worthy, and efforts to eradicate this rampant illness have already begun. Gallons and gallons of Doe’s saliva have been stored in the laboratory, and volunteers all across the city have offered to help Zaitsev and Astor’s mission. “It works best when our intended targets don’t see us approaching them,” explained Astor. “We reach our sanitized and gloved hands into a bucket of Doe’s spit, grab a decent handful and then quickly throw the saliva at the individual. Sometimes, when our target spots us and tries to run away, we chase after them, forming a tight-knit circle around them and flicking the spit repeatedly, shouting ‘The power of Christ compels you!’ It’s quite magical and awe-inspiring to see how quickly those afflicted with ‘Bieber Fever’ are cured.”

To ensure that Doe’s saliva remains the same, pounds of meth and bath salts have been left at his disposal along with a hotel suite of his own nearby, so that he can always be reached at a moment’s notice. “He’s a hero,” explained Zaitsev. “Though he may appear deranged, unkempt and ill-mannered, he’s the best thing that has ever happened to us, and for as long as he shall live and spit, he will remain humanity’s true saviour.”

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Hoda Egeh

Hoda is a 21-year-old student currently in her second year at Algonquin College for Professional Writing. With an unintentional penchant for awkward situations, she can be found roaming the streets of Ottawa, falling over her own feet, facing everyone when riding an elevator and responding inappropriately to compliments. She spends most of her time with her family, friends, MacBook Pro and books. She is an introvert at heart, and sarcasm is her mother tongue.

These are some blogs and websites that Hoda follows: 

http://childhoodnostalgia.tumblr.com

http://www.xojane.com

http://thoughtcatalog.com

Music Is What You Make It

 "Where words fail, music speaks." - Hans Christian Andersen

"Where words fail, music speaks." - Hans Christian Andersen

Music has always been a huge love of mine. I remember singing “The More We Get Together” and “If You’re Happy And You Know It” with my classmates during circle time, and belting out each lyric with accompanying dance moves—or epileptic body shimmies, as my four-year-old self wasn’t particularly adept at dancing. Thinking back to those years of childhood music, I realize how closely linked music and memories are. Music has a way of bringing you back in time, sparking vivid memories of people, places and things.

As I grew, my taste in music evolved with me. Currently, I have over 1,500 songs on my iPod, and over 50 genres and sub-genres. You could say I’m something of a music junkie. I listen to songs that reflect my current stage in life as well as my mood. Listed below are some of my favourite artists from various genres:

This is the most played song on my iTunes; 522 plays and counting.

Corinne Bailey Rae is my all-time favourite artist. Her music is a perfect balance of sensuality, class and old soul charm.

  • Old School Soul, Jazz, and Funk
    • Donny Hathaway, Marvin Gaye, Billie Holiday, Frank Sinatra, Miles Davis, Curtis Mayfield, Ella Fitzgerald, Stevie Wonder
  • Modern Versions Of Soul, Jazz, and Funk
    • Corinne Bailey Rae, Mayer Hawthorne, Janelle Monáe, Caro Emerald, Kimbra, Maxwell, Alicia Keys, Justin Timberlake, Amy Winehouse, Michael Bublé, Adele, Jamie Lidell, Lianne La Havas, Mara Hruby, Nikki Yanofsky
  • Rap/Hip-Hop
    • J. Cole, Kendrick Lamar, Immortal Technique, Lupe Fiasco, Akala, Drake
  • R&B/Soul
    • Aaliyah, Jhené Aiko, The Weeknd, Frank Ocean, Keri Hilson, Jojo, Ciara, Erykah Badu, Eric Benét, Craig David, Joe Thomas, D'Angelo
  • Alternative/Indie
    • Lana Del Rey, Coldplay, Daughter, John Mayer, Lorde, Ghost Loft, The Neighbourhood, The Script, Santigold, Of Monsters & Men, Sara Bareilles, Jason Mraz, Imogen Heap, Florence & The Machine, Sia, Regina Spektor, Little Dragon, MS MR, Bon Iver
  • Pop/Dance
    • Marina & The Diamonds, Ellie Goulding, Karmin, The Saturdays, Banks, Spice Girls, Katy B, Shakira, Ariana Grande, Florrie
  • House/Trance
    • Above & Beyond, Avicii, DJ Tiesto, Inna, Nadia Ali, Oceanlab, Calvin Harris

Music is my constant, my home away from home. It’s my form of escapism and connection. It allows me to venture deep into my own imagination while reminding me of my loved ones and my past experiences. It's the closest thing I have to magic, which is why I believe that music shouldn’t simply be heard—it should be lived.

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Hoda Egeh

Hoda is a 21-year-old student currently in her second year at Algonquin College for Professional Writing. With an unintentional penchant for awkward situations, she can be found roaming the streets of Ottawa, falling over her own feet, facing everyone when riding an elevator and responding inappropriately to compliments. She spends most of her time with her family, friends, MacBook Pro and books. She is an introvert at heart, and sarcasm is her mother tongue.

These are some blogs and websites that Hoda follows: 

http://childhoodnostalgia.tumblr.com

http://www.xojane.com

http://thoughtcatalog.com

Honesty Really Is The Best Policy

My siblings and I lied a lot growing up; we’d forgo the truth whenever we got the chance. When our parents asked us if we had brushed our teeth, we’d respond with “we already did” out of laziness, despite the remnants of our day’s meals stuck between our teeth suggesting otherwise. When we pushed or hit someone on purpose, we’d explain our actions as an “accident,” saying that we slipped and fell. We’d constantly say “I’m not hungry” or “I’m not tired” so that we could squeeze in a couple more hours of TV time. And our personal favourite: “I didn’t break it.” We’d use this one so often that over time, we’d believe—with conviction—that we really didn’t break that vase/mug/plate/etc.

 Don't get me wrong; Christmas is great! I'm just not a fan of Santa, and if he were real, he'd be in jail right now. 

Don't get me wrong; Christmas is great! I'm just not a fan of Santa, and if he were real, he'd be in jail right now. 

My parents rarely, if ever, told us any lies as children. We didn’t hear about Santa Claus and his creepy psychic abilities that allowed him to trespass and leave eerily accurate gifts, and whenever we removed a tooth, our parents rewarded us with a new book and a fun meal of our choosing; there was no tooth fairy involved. They saw these “people” as extrinsic motivators, a means to get kids to be on their best behaviour through bribery (money, gifts, etc.)

Though our parents were nothing but truthful and straightforward, we found ourselves lying to them and to others very often. As children, we didn’t understand the gravity of the consequences behind lies; we couldn’t even tell the difference between white lies and full-blown lies. As we grew, we started to differentiate between the two, and we tried to reduce how often we lied.

Over the years, I’ve learnt that lies can do more harm than good, regardless of the reasoning behind them. They change the way people perceive you. More often than not, the truth eventually comes out, and these lies stand as a constant reminder that you misspoke and presented yourself in a dishonest manner. With each lie, you’re giving people another reason to distrust you.

Humans lie. A lot. So much so that lies have become second nature to some of us, a knee-jerk reaction to difficult situations and a means to boost our egos with a little embellishing. For some, lies come out of our mouths just as easily as air enters them. Though we all feel the desire to lie, what differentiates us is how we react to that desire, and whether or not we cave in.

 

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Hoda Egeh

Hoda is a 21-year-old student currently in her second year at Algonquin College for Professional Writing. With an unintentional penchant for awkward situations, she can be found roaming the streets of Ottawa, falling over her own feet, facing everyone when riding an elevator and responding inappropriately to compliments. She spends most of her time with her family, friends, MacBook Pro and books. She is an introvert at heart, and sarcasm is her mother tongue.

These are some blogs and websites that Hoda follows: 

http://childhoodnostalgia.tumblr.com

http://www.xojane.com

http://thoughtcatalog.com

 

Taking The High Road

When I was 9, after a heated argument with a girl named Lucy, I was sent to the principal’s office for the very first time. It didn’t make any sense to me. I wasn’t the one who called Lucy names or made fun of her skin colour, and I didn’t pull her hair or ask her if she ever combed it. But somehow, she was out on the playground, and I was in Mrs. McCarthy’s office. Overwhelmed by Lucy’s hurtful words and angered by the injustice of it all, I broke down in tears.

 Throughout my life, I often chose to take the high road. In doing so, it saved me a lot of hurt and strengthened me mentally. 

Throughout my life, I often chose to take the high road. In doing so, it saved me a lot of hurt and strengthened me mentally. 

I lived in a suburban, middle-class neighbourhood for most of my life. In elementary school, I always felt out of place; my skin was a few shades darker, my hair was a wild mane of curls, and along with English, I spoke Somali and Amharic, two languages that my classmates didn’t understand. It was hard being different; especially when all I wanted—and what any kid wants—was to fit in.

I made friends, great friends who invited me to slumber parties, shared notes with me in class when we were bored, and giggled about cute boys.When I was with them, my “otherness” was in the back of my mind; we made each other laugh and consoled one another through tough times. To them, I was just Hoda, a shy girl with a wild sense of humour and a soft spot for Sailor Moon paraphernalia. 

I dreaded the moments when topics related to race (e.g. slavery) would come up and my classmates would turn to look at me as though I was the spokesperson for black people. I hated that I felt obligated to explain my “otherness” when all I really wanted to do was brush it aside and enjoy my day at school.

It wasn't that I was lacking confidence in myself or that I didn't identify with my East African ancestry; quite the opposite, actually. I just wanted to feel like my inner self mattered, and that I wouldn't have to go through life as though my outer appearance was my most defining feature. I wanted to express myself through words and actions, hoping that my intellect and personality wouldn't go unnoticed.

As an adult, I’ve come to understand that not everyone I encounter would be like Lucy. It took me years to break down the walls that I built to protect myself, and I’m glad that I did because I’ve met so many wonderful and truly kind people that saw beyond my skin and made me feel respected.

As fate would have it, I ran into Lucy a couple of months ago at my part-time job. I wanted to say: “Hi Lucy, remember when you pulled my hair and called me names? You made me doubt myself and you made me feel like I didn't belong. Things are different now—I'm different, and I hope you can see that there's more to me than the colour of my skin.” Instead, I stuck with, “Hi Lucy, it’s been awhile. How have you been?”

 

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Hoda Egeh

Hoda is a 21-year-old student currently in her second year at Algonquin College for Professional Writing. With an unintentional penchant for awkward situations, she can be found roaming the streets of Ottawa, falling over her own feet, facing everyone when riding an elevator and responding inappropriately to compliments. She spends most of her time with her family, friends, MacBook Pro and books. She is an introvert at heart, and sarcasm is her mother tongue.

 

These are some blogs and websites that Hoda follows: 

http://childhoodnostalgia.tumblr.com

http://www.xojane.com

http://thoughtcatalog.com

 

 

 

Don't Eat The Red Marker

 My favourite snack before nap time. I was also the kid who couldn't lie still for nap time.

My favourite snack before nap time. I was also the kid who couldn't lie still for nap time.

 Elmer's glue, or as my four-year-old self liked to call it, milk. Later, I would also learn that it was actually a bull on the label, not a cow. 

Elmer's glue, or as my four-year-old self liked to call it, milk. Later, I would also learn that it was actually a bull on the label, not a cow. 

Remember that kid in your kindergarten class who ate things they weren’t supposed to? You know, the one who smeared glue on her hands and licked it off, and chewed on those fruit-scented markers? I was that kid. At the time, it seemed like the natural thing to do.

My reading skills weren’t quite developed at the age of four, so seeing a bottle filled with a white, creamy liquid and the picture of a cow on the front meant that it must have been milk. I remember it tasting very different than the milk I had at home, but I liked the strange aftertaste it left in my mouth.

Looking back at all the crazy things that I ate as a child, I decided to do some research. I had this notion that my “food” choices negatively affected my health as an adult. I was convinced that there was some sort of correlation and, as it turned out, my theory was correct. As a child, I had a non-severe case of pica, which is an uncontrollable urge to eat non-food items (e.g. sand, art supplies, etc.).

I wasn’t officially diagnosed because my educators and my parents didn’t see any issues with me putting art supplies in my mouth. They thought it was normal behaviour for kids to be curious and to eat everything within their reach. And although I liked to experiment, I wasn’t downing bottles of glue every day, so that probably eased their minds. Once I reached the first grade and my ability to read developed, I stopped eating art supplies for fun, much to my teachers’ and parents’ delight. But the damage was done, and so my non-severe case of pica eventually became iron-deficiency anemia, an irritating but relatively easy-to-manage disorder.

We’ve all done crazy things as children, like putting our siblings in the dryer, using swear words we don’t understand, and prank-calling random houses in the phone book. As we grow, we develop an understanding of social cues and taboos, and how to differentiate between right and wrong. Most of our cherished life lessons arise from childhood occurrences, so we come to accept our mistakes and our blunders as beneficial stepping-stones. Some days I look back obsessively at my early years and beat myself up over the mistakes I've made. However, I always smile and think to myself: at least the glue was non-toxic.

 

 

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Hoda Egeh

Hoda is a 21-year-old student currently in her second year at Algonquin College for Professional Writing. With an unintentional penchant for awkward situations, she can be found roaming the streets of Ottawa, falling over her own feet, facing everyone when riding an elevator and responding inappropriately to compliments. She spends most of her time with her family, friends, MacBook Pro and books. She is an introvert at heart, and sarcasm is her mother tongue.

These are some blogs and websites that Hoda follows: 

http://childhoodnostalgia.tumblr.com

http://www.xojane.com

http://thoughtcatalog.com