Cornering baby: How to possess a fresh body
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Have you been wandering the realm of the living for years, but don’t quite feel like crossing over to the other side? Are you lamenting that you’ll never enjoy the luxuries of the modern world? What’s the big deal with pumpkin spice? If you long for a body like a fleshy safety blanket, you are in luck. If you’re looking for a second chance in life, a way to make up for your failures and missed opportunities, it’s time for children.
The first task is to find some fertile fleshies. You're especially lucky if your haunt is inhabited by a young couple, or an older couple with promiscuous teenagers. Remember, you will have to put up with your “parents” for the duration of your formative years, so choose wisely. Look out for signs of a poor family environment: unsafe living conditions; spousal abuse; an excessive number of cats; or unusual furniture. Of course, you could just get rid of them if that suits you better. With police distracted by the War on Drugs it’s pretty easy for babies to get away with murder nowadays, and it’s not hard to get adopted while you’re still pink and pudgy.
Once you find an expectant mother, make sure she’s eating well, taking plenty of folic acid, and avoiding contact with illicit substances. Imagine how frustrating it would be to wait nine months just to find out that your new vessel has been damaged by mom’s boxed wine addiction. Remember that you will soon be able to bend your “parents” to your whim, but before you are able to communicate effectively, be prepared to suffer through a few hundred hours of Raffi songs. Starts to make the great unknown seem a little more inviting, huh?
When the big moment arrives, get ready. Transition occurs most easily at the moment of birth, before the new soul has a chance to attach itself. It may be tempting to leap into your new form when the baby begins to crown, but it’s best to wait until it’s been fully removed. Once you’re in, the process is complete. Stretch your little baby limbs and prepare to be waited on for the next 18 years. Congratulations, it's a ghoul!
