Kiss the Girl - A Work of Fiction

The mood is sweet, and the day is only starting. Two young adults are sitting on the couch in a living room, watching The Little Mermaid on the television.

One is Rachel, a 20-year-old blonde woman studying animation at the local college. She enjoys spending long days on the couch watching cartoons, and faux-romantic candlelit pizza dinners that she can laugh at. She collects anime figurines and pictures of her friends making exaggerated faces. Rachel has a rather modest opinion of herself, but all of her friends think she is quite adorable.

The other is David. David is studying engineering at the aforementioned college, where he met Rachel. He is only a year older than her, with brown hair and a slightly chubby build. He enjoys working with his hands, and has a blog where he posts about his inventions and works in progress, as well as engineering-related tutorials. He has never dated anyone before, but his friends think he is the perfect wing-man.

David and Rachel have known each other for about six months now. They are frequently teased about how they look like a couple by their friends. They are very close, to the point where they are comfortable with physical intimacy; even now, David has his arm resting on the back of the couch behind Rachel’s head.

Hence the teasing.

On the television, Ariel is in a rowboat with Prince Eric, floating in the blue lagoon. Sebastian and his animal companions are singing “Kiss the Girl in order to invoke a subconscious desire within Eric to... well, kiss the girl.

Rachel giggles. David smiles and asks, “What’s so funny?”

“This is kind of silly, but when I was little, I hoped that this song would play in the background of my first kiss.” She sounds embarrassed, but smiles, amused by the memory. David smiles too.

Her comment is the perfect opening to engage a step that would reveal both their feelings for each other. David leans down and--

“Pardon?”

Everything around David has stopped, and he has looked up, confused. Rachel remains frozen, along with everything else. She is part of the tableau.

Wait this can’t be right. Let’s start again.

Endeared by her childhood memory, David leans in to initiate--

“No I’m not.”

What?

Yes you are.

“No I’m not!” David exclaims. “I’m not kissing Rachel!”

But--

“I don’t have any feelings for her!” He continues. “Who is this? Is that you, Mark? Mark I swear to God—”

I am not Mark. I am the voice who is going to bring you and Rachel together, resolving the romantic and sexual tension you two have been experiencing for--

“There is no romantic tension!” David screams. “And definitely no sexual tension, Jesus Christ!”

Jesus has naught to do with the potential relationship between you and Rachel, David. Heed my words. Ye are meant to be.

David is incredulous. “Says who? You?”

You are only hearing one voice.

“Well, I don’t give a shit,” David says firmly. “Rachel is a cool and funny person, but I don’t want to ask her out, and I don’t want to get into her pants. She can keep her pants. And I’ll keep my pants too, and wear a goddamned belt if I have to.”

Your feelings will only grow stronger if you suppress them, David. The dam of denial can only hold for so--

“Not if there aren’t any feelings in the first place.”

David’s arms are crossed, and his face is stone-cut with stubbornness.

Ah, I see what the problem is. A different scene is in order.

“What?”

pizza-1426110-m.jpg

The room and everything within it rearranges itself. The television screen is blank. David and Rachel, two very close “best friends” are sitting at the kitchen table. Atop a small pile of pizza boxes is a small candle with an even smaller flame descending the wick; Rachel loves faux-romantic pizza dinners for the silliness of it. David laughs with her as she gently dabs sauce off her face with a napkin while making a mockingly snooty look.

She is very cute when she laughs, David observes.

“But not in the way you’re implying it,” he mutters.

Oh really?

“Yeah, really.”

David looks up from his own pizza slice to notice a spot of cheese stuck to Rachel’s chin. She doesn’t seem to notice.

“Hey Rachel—” David calls as he reaches his hand towards her. Rachel looks up at the sound of her name. Tension builds.

“What is it?”

David reaches over and picks up a napkin.

Oh you little shit.

“Here,” he said. “You’ve got some cheese on your face.”

“Oh, thanks!”

David retains a feeling of satisfaction within himself as she wipes off the food. How anti-climatic. How—how rude.

“This is even cheesier than—”

Heh, you said cheesier.

“This is even more cliché than the movie!”

But it was the perfect opportunity to--

“I’m not gonna kiss her,” David reassures, looking up and cocking an eyebrow.

Don’t you give me that look.

David gives that look.

And then David finds himself, with Rachel, walking down a beach.

“What?!”

“It’s a nice day out, isn’t it?” Rachel asks, deaf to the nagging voice.

“Uh, yeah, I guess,” David answers.

She hugs his arm as they walk, which David doesn’t mind. Although a part of him wants to pull his arm away to cut off a certain something else’s satisfaction, he doesn’t bother because it is a nice day, and he doesn’t want to ruin Rachel’s good mood.

He begins to think about his feelings for her.

Platonic relationships are wonderful.

Ughhhhh.

David is no longer able to control his feelings, and he--

“That’s it! I can’t take it anymore!”

This is addressed to both Rachel and the nagging voice, and she looks up confused.

“What’s wrong?” She asks cautiously.

David pulls away from her, and grabs her by the shoulders and looks straight into her small green eyes.

“Rachel, do you have feelings for anyone right now?”

“What? Uh... no.”

“No one at all?”

Rachel shakes her head, face flushed. One would think it is because of David’s sudden interrogation, but it could also be interpreted as--

“Don’t you go there!” David shouts before resuming the scene with Rachel. “So when you say no one at all, you mean me too, right?”

“Um, yeah. Why? Mark hasn’t been bullshitting you with those fake love notes again, has he?”

David cringes as he remembers that week. Rachel gives him a quizzical look.

“...You’re not gonna make me give you ‘friend-zone’ crap, are you?”

“What?”

“Because the friend-zone doesn’t exist.”

“No, Rachel, I don’t like you either. I mean like like you. We’re friends.”

“We are friends, yes.”

David lets out a breath of relief. Rachel remains confused.

“You weren’t taking my clinginess the wrong way, were you?” She asks.

“No, it was just—” David stops, and then, realizing he can’t explain how some God-like force was warping reality in order to coax them into starting a romantic relationship, which they should totally be in I tell you, he instead says, “Yeah, I mean, I know how you’re clingy with everyone, but sometimes... I get confused, I guess. Plus... yeah I just wanted to make sure.”

“Okay.” Rachel easily accepts what he says and resumes hugging his arm. They walk together, sadly with no tension of either the romantic or sexual variety, but after a few minutes Rachel stops. She looks around, confused by her surroundings.

“What’s wrong?” David asks.

“...Why the hell are we on a beach?”


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Erin Chambers

When she is not on the internet blogging or chatting with buddies, Erin often finds herself consumed by paper, through drawing, reading or doodling and planning out ideas. She also enjoys playing video games, watching old cartoons and throwing sarcastic remarks at her siblings. Her motivation stems from her interests and her friends, and she enjoys turning them into characters and letting them run wild in her fantasy worlds.

Links: Badass of the Week | Horrible Histories | Spine Online - Squarespace

Meena Keshwar Kamal: Afghanistan's Wonder Woman

Who the Fab Lady Is

An Afghan woman of much more recent times, Meena Keshwar Kamal was born in 1957. The Taliban were not in control of the country at that point, but things could've still been better (by like a lot) but Meena was lucky enough to grow up during a time when women were getting their rights in that country. She was able to attend schools were she could learn about politics, even though at the time acid attacks were a thing and placed a lot of women in fear of pursuing that subject. While in university, Meena started RAWA--Revolutionary Association of the Women of Afghanistan. She fought for women’s rights against all odds until her assassination in 1987.

The Kick-Ass Things She Did

Meena is most famous for starting a women’s rights movement, at 21 years of age while attending university. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to university, but starting a movement as huge as that while having all that homework makes me wonder how much sleep she got each night.

While she was a target of the patriarchy, Meena went undercover. Keeping a false identity with the help of a burqa, she snuck her way into Pakistan to keep helping and educating women and children. She was like a super hero whose secret identity was that of a mild-mannered teacher.

How She Fought the Patriarchy

Meena was actively fighting for her own freedom even before she started RAWA. Arranged marriages and marrying young have always been a thing, even during her time, but Meena had an ultimatum for whoever wanted to marry her. She only wanted a man that would let her continue her studies after marriage, who would be monogamous, and who wouldn’t keep her hidden in a veil. Seeing the list and knowing she got married and had a child still probably came off as a surprise to a lot of people. But then again, a famous activist certainly wouldn’t have set her standards so low.

RAWA is still making Meena proud to this day.

Referooni.


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Erin Chambers

 When she is not on the internet blogging or chatting with buddies, Erin often finds herself consumed by paper, through drawing, reading or doodling and planning out ideas. She also enjoys playing video games, watching old cartoons and throwing sarcastic remarks at her siblings. Her motivation stems from her interests and her friends, and she enjoys turning them into characters and letting them run wild in her fantasy worlds.

Links: Badass of the Week | Horrible Histories | Spine Online - Squarespace

Hatshepsut: Queen of the Style

 Who the Fab Lady Is

Hatshepsut was born into the Egyptian royal family, circa 1508 B.C.E. She married Thutmosis II, her step-brother, which was kind of weird. She was 12-years-old, which makes it a little more weird, but it’s not as bad as their mythology. Anyways, Thutmosis II reigned as pharaoh for a couple of years before dying, and since Thutmosis III was too young to ascend the throne, Hatshepsut then pulled a Ching Shih and took the throne for herself, making her pharaoh and co-regent, and ruled for over 22 years until her death.

The Kick-Ass Things She Did

Despite being one of the few females, Hatshepsut was one of the most prosperous pharaohs to rule Egypt. She focused heavily on improving the economy because she knew there were more productive things to do than start wars. But even though she didn’t pick any fights, she did go on expeditions to a village called Punt, and brought back many valuable materials to further nourish Egypt’s wealth. Some of these materials were ebony, ivory and gold. Maybe she had a fancy piano in mind.

Hatshepsut also kick-started many building projects, one of the most amazing being a temple named Deir el-Bahari. Known back then as djeser-djeseru, the name translated to “the holiest of holy places.” This queen was all about style.

Hatshepsut was the original bearded lady.

How She Fought the Patriarchy

Hatshepsut was only one of very few women that became a pharaoh, and she held onto that throne like Maggie Simpson with Mr. Burns’ teddy bear. Of course, there was opposition while she was in this position, later on from Thutmosis III, but she was going to be a pharaoh and Egypt was going to like it.

To assure her status as a pharaoh, Hatshepsut used propaganda in the form of the typical Egyptian self-portraits—paintings and large statues. In her statues, Hatshepsut was portrayed as she dressed: in men’s royal garbs with false beards attached. However, the lady queen did want her femininity intact as well, so the statues feature her female physical features. 

 

References une, deux et trois.

 


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Erin Chambers

 When she is not on the internet blogging or chatting with buddies, Erin often finds herself consumed by paper, through drawing, reading or doodling and planning out ideas. She also enjoys playing video games, watching old cartoons and throwing sarcastic remarks at her siblings. Her motivation stems from her interests and her friends, and she enjoys turning them into characters and letting them run wild in her fantasy worlds.

Links: Badass of the Week | Horrible Histories | Spine Online - Squarespace

Ching Shih: Captain of the S.S. Hardcore

 Who the Fab Lady Is

Nothing is known of Ching Shih before she was married to the notorious pirate Zheng Yi. Together they ruled the sea with their Red Flag Fleet, and when Zheng Yi passed away, Ching Shih decided that she really liked what she did and wanted to rule it some more. Once a prostitute, you never would’ve thought that she would amass an army of over 1500 ships and 80,000 pirates. After raiding small towns and bombarding the government’s laughable attempts to stop her (a captain committed suicide to prevent capture by her), Ching Shih decided, “eh, I’ve had my fun, I think I’ll spend the rest of my days rolling around in my plunder now.”

The Kick-ass Things She Did

First of all, when Zheng Yi proposed to her, she told him she’d only tie the knot if she got to share his power with him. The Red Flag Fleet was already pretty dang huge at this point, and he could’ve easily taken her anyways, but instead she became prostitute to pirate queen in a day. You have to admire a woman with goals.

Ching Shih ruled with an iron fist after her husband died. Every punishment was basically “head chopped off and body thrown into the sea.” I don’t know about you but if it were me I’d be scrubbing that deck until you could see golden teeth in the reflection.

I think it was good enough for everyone else too, judging by her 80,000 record.

How She Fought the Patriarchy

If you were a part of the Red Flag Fleet and you wanted to get touchy-freaky with a lady, Ching Shih made sure that that probably wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. A rule that was punishable by decapitation and disposal was rape. If pirates claimed a captured woman as his own, he was expected to treat them like wives and not like plunder.  Okay, maybe that’s not 100% feminist but as far as pirates go, that’s pretty damn good.

She was pretty hardcore, yes, but she also did what not a whole lot of ladies did in the days of 1800’s China. She’s almost like some kind of crazy Mulan with a boat. A lot of boats. And a posse.

God forbid Disney tries to make a princess out of this queen.

 

 Guess a cameo will just have to do. 

Guess a cameo will just have to do. 

Here are references one, two and three

 

 


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Erin Chambers

When she is not on the internet blogging or chatting with buddies, Erin often finds herself consumed by paper, through drawing, reading or doodling and planning out ideas. She also enjoys playing video games, watching old cartoons and throwing sarcastic remarks at her siblings. Her motivation stems from her interests and her friends, and she enjoys turning them into characters and letting them run wild in her fantasy worlds.

Links: Badass of the Week | Horrible Histories | Spine Online - Squarespace

 

 

Joan of Arc: Patron Saint of Butt-Kicking

 Who the Fab Lady is

Jeanne D’Arc, more commonly known as Joan of Arc, was born during the 100 Years War (which was actually 116 years, but that doesn't sound as cool), at the time when France was losing big time to England, when one day she heard the voices of the angels telling her that she had to go out and save her country. She obeyed, tired of England’s crap and went out and took back the majority of the country, completely winning back the war even after she was burned at the stake by (probably) secretly jealous priests and the English who were poor losers.

The Kick-Ass Things She Did

Well for one she could hear the voice of God, or rather, the voices of her favorite saints, which was still pretty sweet. I mean, imagine if one day you were lying on the grass when Beyoncé or Sailor Moon or whoever your favourite celebrity is told you to mess stuff up. That’s pretty much what happened to Joan.

Her connection with God also helped her perform a whole lot of miracles. Charles the VII, the prince of France who preferred a party to a war-zone any day, heard of Joan coming to demand that she lead the troops of France to victory, set up a test for her authenticity by switching places with a noble. When Joan—who had never even seen this guy before—walked right up into that party and saw through that nonsense like an editor with grammar mistakes.

Another superb moment of awesomeness was when she survived an arrow being shot through her chest. Don’t even get me started.

Oh, and did I mention that she was in her late teens? Let that sink in.

How She Fought the Patriarchy

Remember that this is Medieval Europe that we’re talking about, when women practically lived in the kitchen (the poor things). Not to mention that Europe was still heavy on the Word of God. So not only did Joan’s presence disturb the men of England, but the men of the Church as well.

Especially the men of the church; her own religion became her biggest downfall in the court that led to her end at the stake. Cross-dressing and proclaiming God’s wishes while throwing herself into battle with her fellow Frenchmen somehow equated her to being a heretic and a witch. It’s ironic because she was canonized years later, so joke’s on them.

My childhood heroine deserves all the statues.

Read the rest of her awesome story here.

 


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Erin Chambers

 When she is not on the internet blogging or chatting with buddies, Erin often finds herself consumed by paper, through drawing, reading or doodling and planning out ideas. She also enjoys playing video games, watching old cartoons and throwing sarcastic remarks at her siblings. Her motivation stems from her interests and her friends, and she enjoys turning them into characters and letting them run wild in her fantasy worlds.

Links: Badass of the Week | Horrible Histories | Spine Online - Squarespace