By Matthew Versace
The United Nations shocked the world today with the announcement that everyone on the planet has died. The only survivors are the man that made this announcement, the person writing this article, and of course, you. The report turned heads (or at least would have had there been any heads to turn) but did not come as a complete shock, given the way international relations have soured, the climate has been irreparably damaged and the way diseases have gotten worse.
One can only theorize as to what caused the annihilation of our species. Were there any war experts left, they would likely blame the international super war, an event that occurred when all the wars around the world combined into one massive death battle. Given the amount of conflict the world over, it was only a matter of time before they started to overlap. The death toll of the super war is estimated to be in the tens of billions, which is especially horrific when one remembers that until today, there were only about seven billion people on Earth.
Another contributing factor would have to be the increasing number and severity of fatal illnesses. Days before the global genocide, wellness scientist Miles Cuzurnaldpump revealed the existence of a previously unknown illnesses with a higher fatality rate than the plague and as contagious as a common cold. He named it “Hysamalabaphonyities.” According to Cuzurnaldpump, it causes the infected to forget how to speak any language other than Russian and compels them to form massive conga lines and dance until they literally die of exhaustion. Naturally, there is no cure.
Compounding both issues was the weather. The world’s top climate-change experts – at least the ones not part of a conga-line-related death march – had some chilling news. Apparently, global warming had escalated to the point where almost every country on the planet was completely flooded - the lone exception being Canada, which will soon experience temperatures similar to those on the surface of the sun. This all happened after the massive hurricane that demolished the entire eastern coast of North and South America, and slightly before the massive fire tornado currently consuming the remains of Australia.
After reading all this, I became suspicious. Surely there must have been something on this planet that was not killing the population. Prior to the big death event, I went to my doctor to ask him about nutrition, hoping that in this instance humans may have some modicum of control over their health. I was wrong. Apparently, nothing has been more deadly to humans than food. “Meat makes you overweight and leads to heart attacks, plus it gives you cancer,” said my doctor. “Vegetables are covered in carcinogenic pesticides. Salty and sugary foods give you diabetes and then eventually cancer. Same with fruit, grains, water. We think that gluten-free or vegan foods will save us. But studies are showing that these are just as bad. We literally cannot eat without risking cancer.”
And that is where we are. The entire population has expired. I did not even mention the deadly gases in the atmosphere, or the race of hybrid killer bears emerging in areas where polar and grizzly bears coexist. In retrospect, the world was doomed. Everything was unhealthy and the few who were not dying wanted to kill each other. The one remaining expert says the only course of action is to climb into a hole and assume the fetal position. Tomorrow I will print a story about a cat to get your mind off things.