Leave a Message

By Kelly Spence

“You’ve reached Ryan, leave a message and I’ll get to yeah when I can there.”

2011

January

“Hey, I’m not sure if you remember me, I was at the Barley Mow on Saturday… um well I managed to go home with your sweater that night, in case you were looking for it. Lemme know when  you’re free to pick it up, I still kinda feel bad stealing your only form of warmth that night. Anyways, it was good to see you again. Oh, it’s Kathleen by the way. Okay, bye.”

“Hey so, thanks for the dinner again last night. We should do that more often, it was fun. Sorry I missed your call earlier, been working all day. Also it’s Kathleen. Forever failing at voicemails.”

March

 “I cannot believe you still haven’t seen Firefly, we need to marathon it like yesterday, everything is amazing. That was totally not the point of this voicemail, but still. Just letting you know I’ll be a tad late tonight, but I’ll make it up with a bottle of wine. You liked that red, right?”

April

“Wake up, you, it’s the last day of my first year of freaking college and class just let out so I’m on my way over. It’s juuust passing 11 so maybe we could go out to lunch to celebrate? I’ll be there  in about half an hour, if you’re still asleep I’m jumping on you.”

June

“This is me reminding you about some album you told me to remind you about. You’re welcome. So helpful.”

August

“Is there any way you can get out of working next Friday? We’re having a surprise dinner for my mom’s birthday. We’re probably going to that fancy new place near the airport. Dress light, it is stupid hot right now. Let me know, love. See you Wednesday.”

December

“Hey, sorry I’m running late. Work was ridiculously busy. Retail is hell, and my boss is so stressed out right now, it’s kind of funny. I’ll be at your place in about fifteen, just pulling out of the parking lot now. Merry Christmas!”

 

2012

January

“Matt left his scarf at my place. Just let your brother know I have it. He may not remember much of New Years to be honest, so just in case he forgot about that little fact. Also, casually remind him that he owes me a new lampshade…”

February

“If you actually picked up your phone it would be lovely, but at this point I’m kinda used to your ridiculous work schedule. Which makes sense since it’s been about a year. Anyways, just letting you  know to expect a tiny surprise after work tonight. See you soon, love.”

April

“If I see one more syringe or ridiculous dosage question, I’m going to shoot someone. Can we get stupidly hammered on Friday? Exams are done by then, might as well finally drink that bottle of whisky you bought.”

July

“Happy birthday! Again, so sorry that you’re working as usual, but I think tonight may make your shit mood disappear. Buy an energy drink or something. You’ll be staying up late. Love you.”

October

“The army? Seriously? Fuck .”

“I just. How could you not have mentioned it was an idea first? Before it became an actual thing.”

November

“Okay, you cannot just hang up in the middle of an argument for Christ’s sake. I get that you’re tired from work, but fuck. This is a big deal. It’s a whole new career. Call me. Call me. Call me. And know that I love you.”

December

“Let your mother know I got that bottle of white that she likes for dinner tonight. She’s making the turkey, might as well give her the option to get drunk after all that effort.”

 

2013

February

“We should go to Park Omega. That is all.”

April

“One. More. Year. Why the hell did I let you convince me to do nursing?”

June

“I’m surprised you still haven’t heard from them. The army I mean. You applied eight months ago. That’s ridiculous. Is your father getting pissed off about that? I’m surprised he hasn’t been able to pull any strings.”

July

“I got the keys to our apartment today. Just picked them up. God the view still amazes me. You’ve for sure got Wednesday off, right? We can use that day to move most of our things in, get settled. Maybe christen the apartment.”

September

“Summer needs to not be so short. On the plus side, we’re finally doing PRACTICALS this year. Did they actually force you in again this week? Just remember you’ll hear back soon. Love you.”

October

“Sooooo, don’t be angry, but I may have bought a puppy today. She was really cute and I kind of want to name her Dorito or Pinot or Tequila or something… You have a say in her name, by the way.”

November

“You should stay home tomorrow, being sick and all. I can take care of you. Hell, we do have that nurse outfit…”

December

“Is it true? You got in ?”

 

2014

January

“Fifteen weeks isn’t that bad. It’s just three months. We can do that. And graduation is at the beginning of May. It’ll be fine. I’ll see you Wednesday, and we can go out and get some of the things you need. I can’t wait to see you in uniform…”

February

“It’s almost midnight, and I know you’re asleep in some uncomfortable tent in a forest or whatever, but damn do I miss you. I’m going stir crazy. The lack of contact is driving me insane. I  love you.”

March

“Three more weeks. Fucking hell, love. So close. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.”

April

“Hey, just letting you know we’re almost at the base. Maybe half an hour, tops. There’s a high chance I’ll jump you before you even finish your graduation ceremony, PS. See you soon .”

May

“Soo Tequila made friends with the dog in the apartment downstairs and now they’re inseparable. I think she as a doggie boyfriend. Anyways. We should go up to the cottage next week, relax. You deserve some down time, love.”

June

“You’re leaving already? I thought we had more time. Another seven months may kill me. Please find out the exact date, love. I’ll take some time off work, we can have a few days before you  go.”

October

“Started at the hospital today. Hopefully you’ve got time for a call tonight, I’d love to tell you all about it. Has the training gotten better? The classes and such? Love you .”

December

“Two weeks. We can celebrate Christmas when your training is done, and you’ve come back to me.”

 

2015

January

“Hey you, I’m just picking up milk before I get home. I may get some pizza too. Let’s have a lazy night. This shitty rainy weather definitely calls for a lazy evening. Find a funny movie to watch  tonight. I love you.”

December

“You’ve reached Kathleen. I’m either busy or screening your call right now, so make it quick.”

“I’ve been listening to these voice mails for months now. Eight months, and I still can’t bring myself to delete any of them. I’m so sorry, babe. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I should have been there . I love you, too.”


kelly spence

A 20-something who reads too many romance novels, has a soft spot for wine and anything comfortable, and has decided to blog about her experiences with creepy people on the internet. Hopefully, nothing too traumatizing will happen.

Facebook -  OkCupid Profile (created for an experiment)