The Day Everything Turns Grey
/
They will call in the early morning. Sleep more before that call. You will need energy and a clear mind. Pick up the phone before Mom can do so. What will happen today will be too much for her to handle, so don’t let her suffer right from the start. Stay beside her for the whole day. She will need you there badly. Protect and support her as much as you can, though your world will also turn upside down on the same day. But Mom counts on you and your brother now. You two will be the only reason she lives.
The call comes. They tell you he is in a straitjacket because he is not cooperative. How shocked you are because everything looked alright last night. Don’t ask what happened. There is no time to hear an explanation. He is running out of time. You need to get going with Mom at once. Keep breathing deeply as your heart sinks when you sense that something serious is going to happen. Stop imagining yet. Bring coats for yourself and Mom. Hospitals are always freezing.
Though the hospital is within walking distance, take a taxi. Mom’s legs will be too weak to walk. Don’t let her fall. Skip the registration at the counter. Go to the ward as quickly as you can with Mom. Wait at the entrance for your brother. He will be there in a minute. It’s better to enter the room and face what’s next together as a family. Take a real deep breath when you see Dad finally. Be prepared to see him lying on the bed unconscious. Try to stay calm even though you don’t understand what on earth would make them put someone as gentle as Dad in a straitjacket and the sight makes you angry. They say he was in a delusional state and was resisting their assistance so violently that he might hurt himself. Only a couple of hours ago, he finally stopped fighting and fell asleep. Delusional? They explain it is one of the side effects of a chemo treatment. Sometimes the medicine is too strong and may cause delusion. But they claim the patient is alright. He will wake up soon.
Father and me
Don’t listen to them. Dad will not wake up again. The chance to hear his tender voice, feel his loving touch, and be in his warm gaze for the one last time has been missed already. The fact that you can’t hear his last words and wishes will haunt you for the rest of your life. Even I can’t help you with this. Try to accept this by thinking how much love you have gained from him. Don’t focus on what you have lost. It takes time. I am still taking time to accept everything I held dearly but have lost in life.
Stay next to him, while his body is still alive, still warm. Caress his forehead gently, he can feel it. Whisper in his ear, telling him not to worry about the people and things he’s leaving. Persuade him to go without earthly cares. Ask him to leave his sick body and feel free to travel to wherever he wants. Refuse CPR when you feel Dad’s body turn colder and colder as it won’t change a thing. He deserves a peaceful departure. His family is here with him at the last hour. That’s the only thing he wants and needs.
Relatives are rushing in one by one. Tell them what happened briefly. Don’t leave that to Mom. They can take care of themselves. It’s Mom who needs your full attention and thought. Embrace her with your brother. Keep her warm. She needs that physical touch from her children now.
Hold Mom and your brother tight when they cry even harder once the doctor announces it. I know it’s hard but try to support Mom with the little strength you retain. This is the day you lose your father and the greatest guide in your life. No words can describe how deep your sadness is. But look at Mom. Her loss is bigger than yours in a way. You still have your whole life ahead of you, but she feels her life is already over, losing a life-long soulmate and a perfect husband in her middle age. Look at your brother. Try to feel his regrets when he blames himself for not spending more time with Dad, and not showing the love and respect he has for him in his heart. Be strong for them, because somehow, they depend on you from now on. Prove them right in believing you can overcome because you are an exact copy of Dad, who is mature and capable.
Be ready to see them come to wash the body and wrap it. Don’t forget to breathe as your heart aches badly and you cry uncontrollably when you see Dad’s body in the hands of strangers. Cry as much as you can. But don’t bury yourself in grief. When you feel you have lost everything, believe in the power of memories and think about the time you had with Dad. He loved you with every beat of his heart over the past 19 years. Remember his face when he learned that you got a place in university. He was always so proud of you. He, too, is sad to go but the last thing he wants is to see you suffer for him. Turn the love he gave you into your belief and anchor. Feel safe to rely on it because his love will continue to help and warm you. This is the biggest gift in your life.
Everything turns grey for you today. Don’t expect the pain in you and among the family will ease up overnight. Don’t lose hope when you find things seem to get worse day by day. Try to understand it is natural for you to deny everything that happened but then break down again and again when you realize it is not simply a nightmare. Don’t even try to count the days for the agony to die down as it will linger on for I can’t tell how long. Don’t lose faith in yourself when the last scenes strike you every now and then, and you hate how vulnerable you become. When tears well up in the least expected moments, find yourself a place where you can shed tears quietly and then calm down without being disturbed. Don’t be surprised when you find it hard to understand why people can go on having fun, laughing, enjoying their lives, while you feel cold and alone in this grey world. Be prepared, because for a very long time, you will live like a soulless shell. Allow yourself to lock your heart away from anyone’s reach, as you can’t stand the heartbreak stirred up by even the tiniest feel of emotion.
But you have to believe that life will creep back in someday. Things fall back into place without you noticing. When you feel you are ready, thank those who care about you and have been waiting patiently for you to come back. You have to believe that the world, after all, hasn’t changed that much. Wait to see that familiar sincere smile on your face again. By then, you will know you have survived the hardest blow and come to terms with the greatest loss in life.
Iris Tsui, a Hong Konger who has worked as an English-Chinese translator for twenty years, left her home to pursue further study as a Professional Writing student at Algonquin College. Having written for others so long, she is now excited to have her own voice and is exploring different writing genres. Her dream is to translate her English works into Chinese one day, so her mother can understand and be proud of her.
