By Ben Filipkowski
Dear Mr. Prime Minister:
As I write this, we are only two short days away from your inauguration. By now you’ve been congratulated by nearly everyone who voted for you, who, let’s be honest, is most of Canada. I’ll say it one more time – congratulations!
Pleasantries out of the way, I’d like to get right down to business, which is to say I’m going to talk about your business, or more importantly, what you should be doing.
You’ve been receiving many letters from Canadians. I know this because I’ve read half of them. As such, your first order of business needs to be telling Canada Post you’ve got a serious problem with all these open letters.
Beyond that, let me tell you that you shouldn’t worry too much about what everyone is telling you to do. Take it from me, don’t do that. They’re all breathing down your neck, and that’s not cool (but seriously, don’t screw this up, we’re all counting on you).
It must be extremely annoying to have all these back seat Prime Ministers trying to run the show. You’ve been a Member of Parliament since 2008, so I’m sure you’ve got a pretty good idea of how to do things, but just in case you don’t, let me run down this list for you. I just happen to have it sitting here, by sheer coincidence, and I’d love to share it with you:
- Don’t do what the last guy did
- Do the opposite of what the last guy did
- Stick by your promises
- Stop reading open letters (after you read this one)
- Really don’t do what the last guy did
- See above
As you can see, it’s fairly comprehensive, and I think this should be the guiding principle you base your government on. I am, after all, an expert, having voted in three federal elections. Granted, no one I have ever voted for has ever won, but that just speaks to the problems inherent in the system (which I see you’re committed to addressing) and the inaccuracy of polling data (I don’t know what the polling data says, to be fair, but I hear it’s not the most accurate stuff, or something along those lines). However, I think if you generally stick to the idea that you shouldn’t do what got the last guy kicked out, you’ll probably be okay.
And really, just stop listening to the open letters (after you finish this one, of course – again, I am an expert), because when you think about it, an open letter is just a way of guilt-tripping or shaming someone into action. Talk about positivity! You’ve just won a majority government, ousting the Tories after nearly a decade, and then people start throwing these letters your way, trying to get you to act on their agenda – shame on them! That’s not cool at all.
Do your thing. Don’t listen to the people saying, “As a Canadian,” or, “As a constituent,” or, “As a plumber” – their experience with federal politics amounts to voting or not voting every few years. I call these people as-holes; I think the reasoning behind this is clear.
As an expert, though, I need to maintain my standards and provide for you the best advice. After all, we all know that my opinion is the one you’ve been waiting on.
In conclusion, Mr. Prime Minister, congratulations are in order, as you’re now the head honcho of our nation. Do us proud. And with my expert advice delivered, you may now go govern.
Ben Filipkowski lives and breathes film, books, history, music, and TV, so it makes sense that he's an aspiring novelist. When he's not watching Seven Samurai for the seventeenth time (with commentary), he can be found rewriting the latest draft of his novel, or out exploring another side of Ottawa.