Trudeau Says No to 24 Sussex Drive
/By Daphne MacDonald
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau refuses to move into 24 Sussex Drive until the damages caused by former Prime Minister Stephen Harper are repaired. “It looks like a frat house,” says Trudeau. “It’s disgusting. It reeks of booze and stale cigarettes. There are holes in the walls, beer damage to the hardwood, and spray-painted dicks everywhere.” Stephen Harper’s party- boy lifestyle was well hidden from the public eye. After he lost his title in the recent federal election, many of his former party guests took to social media to show how “cool” he actually was.
“Steve always had the best keggers. And his cover band was pretty decent,” says Jeremy King, a current University of Ottawa student. Harper would send out Facebook event invitations to anyone who liked his Facebook page. He only asked that his guests sign a disclosure agreement, so his reputation as a professional prime minister wouldn’t be tarnished. Aside from that, it was a free-for-all at his parties. He had an endless supply of beer and cigarettes, but no one was allowed to smoke marijuana in the house. “We hot-boxed the creepy bat shed in the backyard,” says King.
Harper had celebrity guests in attendance, including Justin Bieber and hip-hop artist Drake. He even hired local strippers for nude sushi buffets. Some of the leaked photos show him streaking around his property. Other photos show him posing nude on a polar-bear-skin rug with a goofy grin, and a tattoo on his lower back. The tattoo has his band’s name, Van Cats, and a doodle of a cat straddling a Volkswagen van.
Although Harper has not been available for comment, his daughter Rachel, 16, has a lot to say about her dad’s rebellious behaviour. “It f*cking sucks! My friends would rather party with my dad, but he’s such a loser. He tries too hard.” Some of Rachel’s friends have selfies with a drunk Harper on their Instagram pages. His wife, Laureen, posted a Tweet saying: “My husband is still the boy I knew in college, and I love him for it. #eternalflame #YOLO.”
But no matter how fun Harper appears to be, the damages to the official residence will cost Canada $10 million to repair. Harper might be able to raise some money to help with the costs when he goes on tour with his band next summer. In the meantime, Trudeau and his family will be living at Rideau Cottage on the grounds of the Governor General’s residence. “I’m okay with that for now,” says Trudeau. “I just hope Johnston doesn’t bother us too much.” Governor General David Johnston has been known to dress up as a clown and blow air horns in the windows of neighbouring homes. “Canada’s run by a bunch of quacks. That’s why we need to build a wall along the border,” says U.S. presidential candidate, Donald Trump. Hopefully, Trudeau can repair the damages done to our country’s reputation while he waits for his official home to be repaired.
DAPHNE MACDONALD
Daphne is an aspiring writer from Ottawa. After completing a B.A. in Psychology at Carleton University, she decided to pursue her life-long passion for writing with the Professional Writing program at Algonquin College. Aside from reading, writing, and drinking beer, she also enjoys movies, cats, and wine.
